Kastimedia: McKasty Online

I've been thinking about the changing of the seasons lately, you know, how August is waning, starting to feel a little fallish lately sort-of. That got me to thinking, of all the seasonal transition months, September is the month that makes me want to punch it in the face the most. If you look at October, it's crazy good at turning Fall into Winter. You know... at some point in October you go, "Oh shit, that breeze is fucking cold," and then it's definitely Winter. In June, there's always that day when you're like, "Fuck, I have to buy a goddamn fan, 'cause it's freakin' hot in this sweaty house." That's when you know Summer has arrived. Even in April there's that day when it the birds start chirping and its all, "Awww... the spring... Yay and Hurray!" For some reason, September really falls short, and that bullshit Autumnal equinox thing is total garbage... Why? It's August, and it already feels like the goddamn fall has arrived 'cause its freezing tonight. Sorry September, August stole your thunder. You suck. You deserve a lightning-quick punch square in the tank (a.k.a. junk). Next time think about how other months rule, and how you definitely do not, in fact, rule. That's why ultimately I feel there should be a new month between August and September, and that September should be shortened to about three days. The month could be called "Fucktebruary" and during that month everyone gets one day where the get to punch someone in the face with no repercussions.

Seven steps, by yours truly...

Step 1. Get a tan. Chicks dig a nice tan. Make sure you don't burn. Burning is what howlies do.
Step 2. Shave your head or grow your hair stupid long. Medium length hair is ridiculous.
Step 3. Wear excessively huge sunglasses ALL the time. That's just plain awesome.
Step 4. acquire and wear board shorts, approximately five pair. Any other shorts seem like you're trying way too hard. Throw away all other pants made from heavy fabrics.
Step 5. Keep/Buy awesome t-shirts with legit cool phrases on them. Make sure they're not oversized, but that they fit well or even a bit tight.
Step 6. Get some hemp jewelry. Hemp jewelry is made from all-natural hemp and ... hmm. Second thought, forget the hemp jewelry. Hemp jewelry is ridiculous.
Step 7. You may wish to dye your hair at this time. Dying hair with squid ink is a viable option. There are plenty of squid in the sea, and milking their dye is a common Hawaiian practice.


After these steps are complete you're ready to enter the dating world. I'll offer some further dating advice.

The First Impression
When out at the "club" or "bar" and you make that fateful eye-contact with that special someone, get aggressive and take things to the next level. When that lovely mate approaches, unleash a steady stream of urine straight in their direction marking a clear line between you and them. That's a sign of strength. Don't be afraid to get a bit on their shoes or bare feet as well, for good measure.

Later That Night
Once the date is over, having inevitably gone incredibly well, it's time for a nice goodbye. At the end of the date, walk your potential mate back to the door of their abode, put your arm on their shoulder and say, "So... uhmm... that was whatever, huh?" Then quickly flash a wry smile. Decipher the date's reaction. Based on that reaction, decide if you give a shit, then decide if sex is a possibility. If it is a possibility, bogart/charm your way inside. If there is definitely NO way you're going to get some, then say, "Mmmm... aiight well that was a good one. Gimme a call or I'll see you around there or something... buddy." Then give the date a good punch to the arm, playful or otherwise, leaving open the option for a future date, or perhaps simply some senseless violence.

I know these tips have been invaluable. Please post any questions you might have regarding dating and relationships. I'm really the best possible person to ask.

Tom Cruise's favorite major league baseball team, The New York Mets, are poised to make a run at the NL wildcard, and I'm pretty damn excited about it. I've gone out on a limb and predicted that the Mets would win 20 games in August, a prediction made on the first of the month, before the Cubs sweep (Metstradamus still makes the best predictions, I'm now a daily reader). If the Mets fail to fulfill my prediction, I vow to wear a rainbow-striped propeller beanie for a full 24 hours. I know that doesn't sound like too large of a punishment, but I have an allergy to propeller beanie hats that causes me to projectile vomit.

P.S. I love Anderson Hernandez. If I were GM Omar Minaya I would have called that mother up and traded Kaz before the deadline. Kaz Matsui is dead to me... DEAD I SAY! Fuck Kaz Matsui, Anderson Hernandez FOREVER!

By the way... I got a hair cut. Sweet.

As has been well known and generally leaked across the annals of the Interweb, Major League Baseball is expanding into the Hawaii market with a brand new franchise, the Cody Hawaii Tigers. With this year's non-waiver trade deadline over with, the Cody Hawaii Tigers are poised to begin their Expansion Draft, and have shared their roster plans exclusively with McKasty.com. The following is a list (which will be constantly updated) of the tentative roster:

C Brian McCann
1B
2B Keoni DeRenne
SS Yokozuna (1)
3B
SIF* Takeru Kobayashi
RF Trot Nixon
CF Benny Agbayani
LF Ichiro
P Kazuhito Tadano
P Curt Shilling
P Toshiya Sugiuchi
P Abe Alvarez
P Phil Humber

Bench
OF Tsuyoshi Shinjo
OF Gabe Kapler
IF Jose Offerman

*SIF stands for "Special Intra-Fielder". Much like the DH rule, all home games at Cody Hawaii Underwater Stadium will allow an additional fielder halfway (diagonally) between the right-fielder and second-baseman.
(1) Yokozuna was once a professional wrestler for the WWF in the early 1990s. According to recent reports, Yokozuna (aka Rodney Anoia), has dropped to a staggering 150 pounds and was last seen playing utility middle infield for the Hanshin Tigers, despite rumors of his death in 2000 in Liverpool, England.

I've played a fantastic new game... it's called Scablerb. It can be played with a regular gamebox of Scrabble and a common six-sided die. Rules forthcoming...

My friend XXXY is planning on starting the world's largest Takeru Kobayashi fan club. The following are progressively more scary pictures of the world's most storied hotdog eater.

Awwww...

Yay!

Hmm

The worst of the bunch...